Just in Case
I never thought I took life for granted, until faced with Randy dying some day. Suddenly, life is so real. Death is so real. I will be the first to admit, that I've been moody and grumpy the last few years as my body is hitting middle age hormones and changes. I'm not liking it one little bit. And to make it worse, I have to try to keep from snapping at people, when it was never an issue in my entire life. I've always been happy and optimistic. Now I feel grumpy for absolutely no reason at all. It's been a hard pill to swallow. Everyone has adjusted to the moody mom, I think? But I go to bed at night feeling sad and disappointed with myself because I overreacted about something stupid. Mostly Randy takes the brunt of it, since he's around the most. I get snappy over little things that really shouldn't be a problem. Ever. It's like this demon comes out that's been hiding in there inside of me and I didn't even know it existed! It's a constant battle now.
Interestingly, I find myself a lot less grumpy now. I don't know the science behind it. I don't know how or if menopause can be psychological. Or maybe it's just coincidence. Now that I am faced with every day could be our last, my mood has shifted. Suddenly I'm putting all my effort into not being grumpy and trying to have happy days. I want all of us to have good memories of our family while Randy is still here. I'm baking and cooking more. I even made sure Randy had bacon (his favorite) before going to the hospital. "Just in Case". Because that is how my brain is working now. "Just in case." I want everyone to know I love them. I come downstairs every morning and peak around the corner of the living room to make sure Randy is still breathing where he sleeps in his recliner. Because what if, one morning I come down and he's no longer breathing? No longer here? We need to make sure every day we've had together had a good memory we can look back on. That everyone was hugged. Everyone heard I Love You. I don't want there to be any regrets. I don't want to lose Randy and wish I had said just one more thing. I'm not so snappy anymore. I'm more worried/concerned for sure. More aware of life. More in tuned to death. Actually living. Not just going through the motions.
I'm immensely enjoying the new bathroom Randy finished building after 5 long years of working on it. I think of his hard work, every day that I'm in there, and I'm so glad he finished it in time to use it when he needs it most. It's so beautiful. Every part of this home has his signature on it. It will always be a place of happy memories. And I'm working hard to keep them going for him. For us.
PS.... the bathroom was the old butler's pantry that we moved to a more convenient location off the kitchen, refinishing all the old cupboards. We put the plumbing in the walls and closed off 2 of the 3 doors as well. For 6 years we have lived with one bathroom upstairs with no tub.