Everyone asks "How are you really doing?" It's such a hard question to answer. It does actually depend on the day. I have good days and bad days. The first few days following the bad news for the second time around, were definitely the worst for me. Believe it or not, it was harder to hear that the cancer had come back with a vengeance just 4 months after Randy's first go-around. It felt more sinister. More real. More deadly. More complicated.
I'm not a crier. I never really have been. I tend to bottle things all up and then when I'm really overwhelmed, the dam breaks loose. It usually takes just one little thing. It is often a song. I've done well all summer and fall, trying to keep it together. Last weekend, Randy's dear friend, Drew, hopped in his car and drove 5 hours to come see us when he heard the news. Just to be here and pray with us. It broke my carefully constructed dam. As I sat and listened to him and Randy talking and praying together, I got more and more upset- This is all so unfair. Drew could sense something was amiss. I finally spilled the beans and said what was really burning deep inside of me.
I'm mostly struggling with what is coming ahead. Fear of the unknown. I'm worried about all the painful surgeries Randy will have to go through, to buy him a little more time on this earth to be with us. I'm frustrated that no matter how many surgeries we do, the outcome will ultimately be the same in the end. I'm terrified of having to make the decision that it's enough, It's time to die now. Why do I have to go through this??? Why do I have to face such heavy decisions about somebody else's life that I love as much as my own? And how are we supposed to decide when it is enough? How much pain do we put Randy through, knowing he isn't going to win anyways? Are we just being selfish? If God is in control, why are there temporary options to keep Randy here a little longer? It's Agonizing. My whole heart and soul is in anguish over this. Is it better to just suddenly die in your sleep, or have this chance to make some memories before you have to decide when to go? I honestly can't decide. This endless, unknown waiting for a known outcome is so very heavy. It weighs on me night and day.
After crying it all out, I feel better. I'm not so fragile now. The fractures and cracks in my heart have patched over again. I know God is in control and He has a plan. I have to constantly tell myself there is a grand design. We are but 2 instruments in God's symphony orchestra and I need to make sure I'm doing my part to keep it sounding beautiful. I don't want to be the stumbling block that ruins the music. Wherever this path leads us, I need to remember to be a light of God's strength and love for others to see through me.
Daily, my brain is thinking in terms of "lasts". I have to. We could have one year or 3 years. We don't know. This could be Randy's last Christmas. By thinking this way, I am learning to live more in each day and make as many memories as we can. Make things as special as I can. Even though we still have to live the every day life, I am adjusting my attitude to be more understanding, more forgiving, more gentle, more compassionate..... I still want his time on earth to be part of the best years of his life.